Thursday, 11 September 2014

Writing

Draft 1 
3 HEROS
CHAPTER 1 
The future
There once was a man called Manny. His son Bob aspired to be a scientist like his great grandfather. One day Manny arranged a visit to the lab for himself and Bob to see what it was like there. While Bob was walking he wasn't paying  much attention to what was below his eyes. There was a toad only 2 cm away from his feet. Suddenly, he tripped. Bob went flying in the air and crashed into the shelf where the potions were stored. The bottles went flying throughout the room. Several of the potions fell on the toad, Bob and Manny.   The toad started turning orange and it grew bigger and bigger until it was a fully grown fox. Bob's feet started hovering over the ground. "Holy moly," said Bob. Manny's arms grew muscles as big as a baby's body. He also had a humongous six pack."holy shoot," said Manny Bob blurted out that 951x74=70374. He suddenly just yelled what was going to happen in the future. "What was that last thing you said?" Manny said. "That the earth will turn into a battle field and there will be a bunch of monsters everywhere!" "How will that happen?" "The king of Monsters will create over 100000 creatures to destroy the planet." "We have to do something about this," said Manny, "plus we do have super powers now." "True" said the fox. "You can talk" they asked. "Yes", "indeed I can talk." "Let's go and save the world". "Bob?," said Manny. "Could you make a flying jet?" "Yes." "Ummm, fox what's your name?" "James" he replied. "Okay." "Bob," Manny asked. "Could you make a machine gun that shoots rockets?" "Sure," said Bob. "Once you've done that we need to go and save the world!"10 minutes later. "Done" said Bob. "Okay!" "Get in the flying jet." 3...2...1 BLAST OFF !!!!!!!



CHAPTER 2
The arrival

"I'm hungry" said James. "Live with it" said Manny. Nec minute. "Bob," said Manny. "Can you make a fridge." "Okay," he replied. Nec minute. "Done." "James, help your self to some roast turkey." Cmmmccmccimmi. "Finished." "We are there," said Manny. "Put on the landing gear Manny ordered." "Okay," Bob replied. Suddenly,BANG! "Are you alright" James said to Manny. "What do you think," "NOOO!" Pow. Manny punched a hole in the flying jet. Manny jumped, Bob flew & James climbed. "We are now in the king MONSTERS lair." "Follow my feet" said Manny. Suddenly, "where did you go Manny," said James. Manny looked at his arms not knowing that he was invisible. "Holy cow!!" "Shhhhhhh." They said to Manny. "Just keep on walking." "Look at all this stuff." "Why is there bones everywhere." "Don't know," said bob. (This is the first thing he didn't know). All of a sudden, "get me some food," boomed a big voice. "Sure," said something that sounded like a talking rat. "I think  that was the king of monsters," said Manny who was still invisible. "Don't get distracted." "What's that sparkling thing over there," said James. "Let's go over to it," said Manny. BUT... Bob still hasn't learnt his lesson. So as you know, he trips over a pile of  wood and bones of course. The king of monsters turns around...


CHAPTER 3
The battle begins

"GRRRR," went the king of Monsters, who had just realised that there were trespassers in his lair. He came running at the 3 HEROS. But luckily, Manny punched the king of Monsters out of the way. Bob got a sharp plank of wood and stabbed him in the eye. Arrrrrrr, "you're going to die tonight." Ah!" Bang. The king of Monsters punched the 3 HEROS but they side stepped. His  hand hit a rock and a ripple of blood dribbled down his hand. "Shoot" Manny said to James. "Let's get this party started!"BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG KABOOM! A giant eye came shooting out faster then 750 miles per hour. "I can't breath" said the king of Monsters. Cough cough. (Moment of silence). "Now, let's smash that thing"!!


CHAPTER 4
Celebration time

When the 3 HEROS got home they had a huge party that they killed the king of Monsters. "Put on the MUSIC" Manny said. We are the champions.... After that they had a 10 layered cake, a lot of fizzy and a huge feast with roast turkey. "Movie time." After the Movie it was bed time for the 3 HEROS.

THE END
  
This is my focus piece.

CHAPTER 2
The arrival

 "Ah", says Bob thunderously, tripping over a lone cord, flying in the air landing on Manny's coffee. Brown liquid dribbling down the side of the mug finding it's way to the control system. ZzzrRzrrz. Lasers coming out,  sirens start beeping, everyone starts talking at one time. 
"QUEIT!" Manny yelled feeling distressed as he stamped his feet. 
"Now, listen."  "We're going inside the tornado, it's the only way in.""Fingers crossed everyone, we're going in."
The jet loses it's control as it swirls into the tornado. Creek, Metal peels of the side of the flying jet. The jet start's doing tricks like back flips as it falls.
 "Manny ordered the landing gear engaged so James grabbed hold of the lever, but it was too late. BANG! They hit the ground solid. "
"Ah" my leg said James feeling sore.
"Toughen up" Manny said.
  Manny punched a hole in the roof so they could get out. 
"We are now at the king MONSTERS entrance to his lair ." 
There was a big red door losing all it's colour. The door was so big, if you were 7 meters away from it you couldn't see all of it. 
"Now, we just need to find where the door knob is" said Manny. 
"It's way up there" Bob said.
"Then we just need to reach it, but how?
"Why don't we do this James said as he pushed a small door beside the huge one. 
Sure, why not.
"Follow my feet". 
As they walked inside Manny looked at his arms not knowing that he was invisible.
"Holy cow!!" 
"Shhh." "We're gonna get caught by the king of Monsters if you don't shut up." "Just keep on walking." 
The lair had bones and wood with smashed cars stacked upon each other for a boundary. 
"HOPEFULLY MY PLAN WORKS THIS TIME!" Boomed a big voice.
"I think  that was the king of monsters," said Manny who was still invisible. 
"Don't get distracted" they said.
"Let's go over to it,"  BUT... Bob still hasn't learnt his lesson from tripping over in the science lab. He catapults in the air over a pile of  wood and bones .
Thud, he fell on a good piece of dirt. The king of monsters turns around...


CHAPTER 3
The battle begins

"GRRRR," went the king of Monsters who had just realised that there were trespassers in his lair. He had a coat made of leathery dragon skin,curly black long hair and one light blue eye and a very very dark brown. He jumped in action and started sprinting at the 3 HEROS. But luckily, Manny punched the king of Monsters out of the way with his bear hands. Bob got a sharp plank of wood and stabbed him in the eye.
Arrrrrrr, "you're going to die tonight." Ah!" Bang! 
The king of Monsters punched the 3 HEROS aside but they side stepped away from him. His hand hit a rock and a ripple of blood dribbled down his hand. "Shoot" Manny said to James. 
James get out his gun and starts shooting. 
"Let's get this party started!"BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG KABOOM! 
A dark eye came shooting out faster then 1000 miles per hour. 
"I can't breath!" said the king of Monsters. Cough, cough. (Moment of silence). 
"Now, let's smash that ugly thing"!!
  


 Evaluation

How has your writing has improved this term? Because I have putting a better picture in the readers head.


The part of my story I am most proud of is chapter 2 because that is the bit I put my most effort into.


Next time, what is a goal you can you work towards? Similes .


Feed back: Good job Harry great grammar and the story line is funny. 

Feed forward:I think that you need to work on is paragraphing. J.P. 


 























2 comments:

  1. Hi Harrison - your writer's voice is starting to sneak through with some of the phrasing you have put in, great recrafting! Remember a reader gets very little imagery or background detail, if any, from direct speech so use it sparingly. It can be a useful rule to only include direct speech if it somehow tells the reader a bit more about a character - perhaps by HOW they said something, or what they may have said. Keep working on this next term.

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  2. I like how you have added precise words like thunderously. Next time you could add paragraphs and use more precise words than said. You could use words like angrily replied and answered ECT.

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